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Pay What Now?
Outro
Hearing the music
When to quit
I am not as other men
Tonight I was funny
Attack of the Drones
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Why Pissing off a Fellow Comedian was Fun
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Sunday, March 30

What a weekend. I can sum it up thusly:
  • Application of 16 litres of creosote to various fence panels

  • Doing my Rolf Harris impression with the brush - "Can you tell what it is yet?"... "It's a fence!"

  • Eating fruit

  • Watching comedy

  • Wondering about the origins of the pains in my legs (it was the fence painting)

  • Laundry

Then, like fate itself, the opportunity arose to squander yet more money on shiny discs. Where does fate come into it? Well, on the way to the supermarket, I decided that I really ought to own a Henry Mancini soundtrack. A few short minutes later, I was presented with a super-remastered version of the Pink Panther soundtrack... at a discount! Too hard to resist, especially when you're me....

Friday, March 28

SpamNet from Cloudmark is the bee's knees. In the last four days, it has eaten around 500 spam messages that have arrived in the various mail accounts I read at work... that's 500 messages' worth of wearied deleting I've been saved. THAT'S AMAZING!

Talking of amazing, the very lovely BANZAI is back... bet bet bet!!!

Thursday, March 27

Ok... so I gained a pound. +1 taking me to total of -55. So sue me! It will drop off over the next week, undoubtedly!

Damn the smell of fish and chips coming through my window in the office.

Mal's site at www.malross.co.uk is back up. Spring is in the air, I feel great and I can't help but feel like I've won the lottery or something. I checked a few minutes ago, and I DIDN'T actually win the lottery, though I had bought a ticket for yesterday. Still, what's £1 compared to the moments that I was living the dream of riches beyond my wildest dreams?

I feel simultaneously scared and excited by the prospect of my forthcoming comedy gig... I only hope that:
  1. It's not cancelled
  2. It goes well
  3. The friends who turn up enjoy it
  4. I'll not have to get a whole new set of friends afterwards
  5. I'm funny enough to justify standing on a stage with a microphone
I'm still honing the material, but I'm getting more confident... Again, I'm living the dream and that's the point.

Spring affects me quite a lot. It is, after all, mating season. However, I've converted its effects into my optimism, rather than becoming some sort of slavering pervert. Not that I should stop flirting a little...

Tuesday, March 25

Mal is having trouble with his site (www.malross.co.uk)... please bear with him.

I still have a handful of apostrophe tests to mark. I have noticed, though, that a large number of the apostrophe test entrants tend not to bother to say thank you when they receive their results... perhaps they think I'm a machine... or that I don't have feelings.

Monday, March 24

I've discovered a new website for the squandering of my income on shiny discs. SplashDVD seems reasonable value... but then it had taken £2 off all of its prices for a few days - now it's back to full price, it may seem fairly unimpressive.

Friday, March 21

Confusingly, the weigh-ins have become less than weekly and have not necessarily occurred on Wednesdays... today's weigh-in gave a frankly ambivalent rating of -2 taking me back to the previously attained -56. I shall have to try to get things back on track.

On a lighter note, it seems that dogs now will have a place to enjoy night-time leisure.

Wednesday, March 19

I'm going to be rich again...


FROM: Dr.KARIBE DANGOGO
UNION BANK PLC.
40 MARINA STREET,
LAGOS.
FAX: 234-1-759-0801
karibeunion@hotmail.com
Dear friend,


I know that this email will surely come to you as a
surprise, but I will crave your indulgence to view it
seriously and I apologise, but I hope that it will be a
welcome surprise. Before I run out of steam, I will like to
introduce my self and go straight to the point. My name is
Dr.KARIBE DANGOGO, a banker. My primary reason for writing
to you is to seek your partnership/assistance in a business
transaction. I need your partnership and assistance because
of the following reasons:

a. it is practically impossible for me to carry out this
business alone.

b. you live in a foreign land far away from mine. This
should normally not be a requirement, but when you
understand the transaction then you will understand why it
is important that you live far away from me.

c. The amount of money involved in this transaction is
US$18,500,000.00, which is too much for a man of modest
means like my self to handle in my country.

I believe from my few points above, you can begin to get an
idea why I need your participation.

Let me explain how the money, which is the basis of this
business I am proposing, came about. Before I became a
deputy director, some years ago I used to be Accounts
Officer to some special corporate customers. One of these
very important customers of our bank(Union Bank PLC) was
Engineer MUHAMMED Subramanian Sivakumar an Saudi Arabia citizen,
who had
spent most of his years before his death working in Africa
and mostly in Nigeria. He died in a plane crash in 1996 in
Nigeria.

This money belonged to him. Technically speaking now,it
belongs only to his name. The money is payment he received
for a contract he executed on behalf of the Federal
Ministry of Works and Housing for the government
(Installation of Pipelines in Warri Refinery).

My reason for deciding to carry out this transaction is
that Engineer Sivakumar did not mention any next of kin in any
of the documents held by the bank for the number of years
he had banked with us. Since 1996 we have searched for any
body that could be related to late Engineer Sivakumar , I was
mandated by the bank to search for a relation of late
Engineer Sivakumar and I did this from January 1997 to December
1999 after which the search was called off in the belief
that soon a relative may turn up to claim his estate.
Nevertheless, as it is, there is no relative.

Now, the Chairman of the bank who is a retired soldier has
indicated his intentions for the money. During the last
meeting of Directors and Deputies, he said that he would
donate the money to a military trust if it is not claimed
soon, this invariably means the continuous flow of more
arms and ammunition. I know for sure that not all of the
money will go to the military trust some will surely line
his pockets and that of anybody who is in support of his
plan.

My plan is to get a trust worthy person that can, under my
constant guidance present him self as a cousin to the late
Engineer Govindaraj. I want you to note that your citizenship
does not matter;

You do not have to be an Arabia . The papers demanded by
the normal procedure for the claiming of an inheritance
will take care of everything. You will be sole beneficiary
to the estate of Engineer Govindaraj. All I need is for you to
follow my instructions closely because I am experienced in
inheritance matters here and I am on ground here to advice
you on every step until you receive the money. Then we
meet.

For your participation, we will allow you 30% of the gross.
All expenses incurred in the process of this transaction
will be deducted from the gross value and shared at a
commensurate ratio; this we will done at the end of the
transaction, because the money is bonded.

An estimated 10% or less will cover all incidental expenses
and we will take 60% for ourselves. The most important
thing to me right now is trust on both sides. Now the money
is still in the care of the bank, I hope the trust will
still be there when we must have legally established your
relationship as cousin to Engr. Govindaraj and the money is paid
to you. I need also to trust that you will not tell people
or your bank about this business. You will collect the
money first, then I get my share, then you can tell anybody
what you chose thereafter. I shall need your help to invest
in your country; therefore, any experience you have in this
area will be beneficial.

Surely, you must have some questions or may be you just
need further clarification. I will be happy to receive a
telephone call from you or a fax message to this effect,
this will enable me explain further what the next step is
and the general plan. I will also need your most
confidential telephone number and fax number, if you have a
mobile phone I believe it will help so that I can reach you
anytime.

Please kindly respond by Phone or email only

Your positive and negative response is highly welcome.

Dr.KARIBE DANGOGO


I like that... he wants my positive AND negative response. Well, then. Yes and no!

Tuesday, March 11

Despite the fact that the show is over, I spent a rehearsal's worth of time at the rehearsal room last night... old habits die hard. Still, it was good to catch up with some of my new musical buddies. It gave me a taste for music, though. So, I had a choice of either dropping into the cinema to see Chicago, or go home and watch one of the countless DVDs I appear to have amassed, unwatched, recently.

My Fair Lady won. I had not realised that Freddy Eynsford-Hill was played by the late, great, Jeremy Brett (whom I remember most as being Sherlock Holmes). Having listened to the soundtrack to this movie, as well as that of the original London cast, I was not expecting to enjoy the movie as much as I did. I think that the soundtrack was played down a little in order to avoid upstaging the visual spectacle that unfolded on my TV last night (until the very wee small hours). I've mentioned before that Audrey Hepburn was dubbed by Marni Nixon. Ms Nixon did a sterling job of dubbing various people through her Hollywood career. Sadly, I think she epitomised the soulless search for perfection which is not necessarily the basis for good art. Her voice doesn't fit. She's no Julie Andrews and Audrey Hepburn's face didn't fit the lightly operatic sounds from Ms Nixon's belly. The DVD contained a couple of scenes where Audrey's own voice can be heard singing, in place of the official soundtrack (DVD extras are great). With a little training, Audrey's voice would have been perfect for the film - significantly better than Marni Nixon's and an honorable second fiddle to Julie Andrews's.

Ah well... it's too late now. Damn, Damn, Damn!

Thursday, March 6

The show is going pretty well. In fact, it's going significantly better than my weightloss programme and general state of health. Thankfully the roles I play are those of thin healthy people, so I can act feeling well and looking ok. So far this act appears to have worked. My voice has held up through three nights so far and I have a further four shows through which to maintain the pretence that I don't feel dead.

I'm thoroughly enjoying this production. Can't wait to get into the next thing. Can someone remind me why I almost completely stopped acting/performing after I left school? I'm sure there must have been a very good reason for it, but I've no idea what it was!

Wednesday, March 5

Bad new on the weight +2... oh dear... -54 aggregate now. Never mind. I'm on stage all week with little time to eat.

On the up side, there's an amusing beginner's guide to opera online.

Tuesday, March 4

Boy... am I going to be rich or what!?

Subject: Joint Venture
Dear Sir,

It is a pleasure to contact you at this important time for a possible business transaction.
However, I got your contact through a search on the internet website and your profile got me
convinced of your wide in business.

I am Mr Egodinaogwu Savimbi,a family brother to the late General Jonas Savimbi,leader of the Angolan unita rebel who was shot dead on Tuesday 25th febuary 2002 by the opposing forces of Angolan army. For the past years now our country have been in political crisis and conflits between the unita rebel and goverment
allied forces for your reference visit this site:http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/africa/newsid_1839000/1839252.stm)

As a matter of fact,before the death of General Jonas Savimbi,l was given US$25.5million
dollars for purchase of Fire Arms and Amunitions from Russia.

I considered it a great opportunity as he is now late I then Packaged the fund and moved it to the most peaceful country in Africa:Lome-Togo west African, where it has been deposited in a Security Company on a special arrangement as a family Treasure in disguise.

Therefore,my aim of contacting you is for you to assist me with your personality to move this fund out of Africa .I have the ambition of investing this money and as well keeping a long lasting relationship with you. Presently, I am in Lome capital city of Togo west Africa where I have been in hideout waiting for who will assist me.The security company has told me that they have their oversea delivery offices where the deposit can be withdrawn if the
person do not want to come to Africa I would like to appeal to you that time is not my friend as i am anxiously looking forward for a responsible, reliable and honest person to act as my client or beneficiary so that I will transfer this Treasure out of Africa because I am not safe here in Africa.

Sir, if you can sincerely assist me towards my proposal,with all your trust,we shall discuss about your percentage share first as soon as I receive your urgent and positive reply. Please kindly,handle this proposal with your utmost secrecy and confidential as all the necessary documents and proves as regards to this treasure will be forwarded to you on your
request.Hoping that our transaction will be considered with every confidentiality.Call me on my private Line for more detailed discussion:+228 919 58 69

God bless you.

Thanks,

Mr Egodinaogwu Savimbi.

Monday, March 3

Food cravings? I'm male, decidedly unpregnant and far too busy to suffer food cravings... yet I seem to be having them a lot these days.

At the moment, I want cucumber. It's nice that my body has gone for a healthy craving this time. It beats craving sausage rolls.

Saturday, March 1

Not satisfied with outing Hugh Grant's latest film on this page, I've written a full story in apostrophell. There is also an apostrophe test for those people who think they know how to use the much maligned punctuation mark! Good luck!

Saw The Lion King today at the Gala Theatre in Durham. Excellent! Not only was the IMAX version pretty mind blowing (albeit not widescreen...) but the facilities of the theatre were cool too. Durham has a lot to offer. My advice would be to head over to catch the movie while it is still on.

My reason for wanting to see The Lion King was that I have become something of a Tim Rice fan. This is partly a recognition of the various examples of his works I've enjoyed over the years, and partly the realisation that his style and abilities are of a standard that I have been aiming for in my own attempts at song writing. Probably the most major example of Sir Tim's work on my mind at the moment, is the Tynemouth Amateur Operatic Society's production of Chess, which is playing at the Whitley Bay Playhouse from the 3rd to 8th March of this year. My involvement in the show - as a lowly chorus member - may have something to do with this.

Should I ever get as far as showing my musical talents (or lack of) to the world, then this will be the place to look - try to avoid reading the "music" section, I've kept the real songs out of there for the time being.

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